The deceased bodies of thousands of teens and young adults were found scattered throughout strip malls of America. Sources close to the investigation reported no signs of foul play in what some were calling the beginning of the end. The deaths of these seemingly innocent victims had caught the attention of the most highly regarded scientists in the world. Unfortunately, weeks of fruitless study yielded little but frustration, with one scientist being quoted as saying “what the actual fuck.” It wasn't until communication between mortuaries had begun that they were able to place significance to a string of chemical compounds that was found in the stomach contents of all the corpses. The lethal combination was determined to be Frozen Yogurt, specifically the pistachio flavor due to the high levels of Angiosperms, mixed with Fruity Pebbles, a notoriously nutritious children's breakfast treat. Pressure from concerned parents lead to a deeper investigation of the epidemic. Scientists employed undercover teens to infiltrate social circles in heavily affected areas. These “moles”, outfitted with iPhones,Google Glass, skinny jeans, and e-cigarettes, set out on this reconnaissance mission to gather any information related to the investigation. After 3 months of being submerged in the culture it was discovered that a new phenomenon known as “Froyoloing” was to blame for the death of our nation's youth. While it seems counterintuitive, death by Froyoloing is seen amongst this age group as an act of martyrdom. It is believed that Froyoloing gains the subject entry into an eternal realm of sublimity. Moles learned that this paradise has been described as “super chill”, “OMG”, and “totes amazeballs”.After hearing these rave reviews its no wonder why so many youths have fallen victim to the phenomenon. It seems the only hope of bringing this to an end is for scientists to disprove the existence of this enchanted afterlife.
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