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It has been widely rumored that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a household name in the average home of everyday Americans, have turned from pizza fanatics to vegan snobs. While we can’t be sure of this information, we have heard tale of their, believed to be, guardian finishing school and becoming a Nutritionist. Some may say that becoming a vegan would be great for the long time pizza fanatics. Others, however, are disappointed to hear that their childhood heroes may have given up their only food group in search of a dietary fad.

All of this is believed to have started back when the family of turtles rose from their sewer home and move to Los Angeles to get a new lease on life. There, they would have bought an overpriced condominium and began taking night classes to provide a better life for their turtle family. It is believed that these night classes may have turned their long believed guardian, Splinter, to Veganism. While our sources can’t be sure of this fact, they have heard that the pizza parlor they used to frequent on a daily basis hasn’t seen them in over a month to buy their standard Pepperoni pizza and diet coke.

Hopefully the turtles going vegan will be information that they keep to themselves.  There probably isn’t anything worse than a turtle, running around fighting crime while simultaneously telling every single person he comes in contact with that he is a vegan. Albeit a great punishment to use against criminals, normal everyday citizens shouldn’t have to be subjected to shame over eating chicken on a daily basis.

Benjamin Herbert