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The Giant Purple Elephant is one of six different subspecies of more common zoo-dwelling creatures, including that of the Ravenous Red Rhino, and the Gangly Green Giraffe. The distinct qualities that make up this particular species, however, lie in its miraculous yet beguiling birth. Once a rare phenomenon witnessed only by an unfortunate few, the very specific circumstances that allow for Giant Purple Elephant births are increasing at an exponential rate. Scientists and psychiatric animal experts blame this on the invention of blogs, Youtube, Facebook, and Lady Gaga.

Births:

The birth of a Giant Purple Elephant has been described by observers as "unpleasant" and "uncomfortable," but the world renowned Giant Purple Elephant specialist and leading expert, Dr. June Woodall, most aptly describes it simply as "awkward."

In fact, the GPE is more often born during an awkward moment than in any other type of social interaction known to man. Once born, it rapidly grows in size until humans present and participating in the situation can no longer ignore it.

Dealing with Giant Purple Elephants:

Dealings with GPEs are both difficult and tricky. Experts stress the need to handle newborn GPEs with care, as they can quickly cause a social situation and relationship to go awry. It is also advised that upon awareness of the GPE, one should deal with the creature immediately. If left to grow, GPEs have been known to cause rifts in relationships, estranged lovers/spouses, and distance in once good friends.

The power of the GPE should not be underestimated, and if treated with care, it can either be set free to live happily on its own, or domesticated to become household pets--although one needs to mind stepping around it from time to time.

Popular Culture:

The largest living GPE today lives in the American Economy feeding off of the nation’s capitalistic nature and ironic need to be “thrifty.” Its favorite food is budgets, and critics have pointed out that perhaps the reason budgets are so hard to pass is because of the heighten security measures taken to allude this Great Giant Purple Elephant from its favorite appetizer. Even with security measures in place, however, public schools and universities are still finding great Elephant-bite chunks missing from their budgets every year. Citizens both run in terror and watch in desolation as this once gentle creature ravages through towns across America.


-Jannice Tu

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