On August 25th, 2014, Theodore Columbus, a well-known explorer, sociologist, and descendent of Christopher Columbus, discovered a remote island 247 miles off the coast of Cabo San Lucas and he returned with unimaginable findings. Compared to his great great great great great great great great grandfather, his discovery challenges what we think we know about the world and our species. The island which he named "New New Jersey" is inhabited by a peculiar subspecies of human beings called Snookies. According to his findings from the DNA tests, the Snookies are nearly identical to homo sapiens, except for orange pigmentation and a more advanced prefrontal cortex (Columbus, 2014).
The Snookies exhibit a preference for a strict daily routine involving rigorous exercise, copious hours spent laying in the sun, and doing laundry. Columbus's studies show that an interruption in this routine provokes the natives to become so stressed that their skin rapidly becomes pale, their hair deflates, and they become extremely irritable and prone to physical altercation (Columbus, 2014). According to sand and sun specialist David Hasselhoff (2014), "The Snookies way of life is based on constant improvement of their physical appearance. If anything were to inhibit this, their civilization begins to corrupt."
Despite how much time is spent on exercise, sunbathing, and laundry, the Snookies have managed to discover an astonishingly efficient economic system based on the genetically modified "magic drink." Their expert bartender scientists have concocted a drink that increases brain activity for 30 minutes. The more they drink, the longer they can continue to be highly functioning adults. Economist Jeniffer Sorrentino, author of Revealing the Secrets of the Snookie Civilization (2014), compared their economy to the United States economy and found that New New Jersey's inhabitants on average earn 673% more yearly income than United states citizens and their currency has only inflated 2% since the beginning of their civilization nearly 850 years ago.
We expect a lot more research to be published in the next couple years and are excited about what this means for the advancement of the industrialized world.
Columbus, T. (2014). Exploring New New Jersey. Albany, NY: Jefferson.
Hasselhoff, D. (2014, September 10). Achieving perfection: What we can learn from the Snookies. Retrieved from http://www.thehoffvlog.com/achieving-perfection
Sorrentino, J. (2014). Revealing the secrets of the Snookie civilization. Sociology Journal, 14. Retrieved from http://www.academicjournalshere.com/this/is/legit
Article by Heather Poparad and Kenny Mounteer (Comm 40, section 2)